Monday, June 22, 2009

Who annointed you God?

I just had to have my 21 year old kitty put down. Yes that's right 21 years old. He out lived two other cats and one dog. He was a fiesty cat with a strong heart.

Now I have had this cat since he was about 1 month old and I nursed him back to health after being found in an old warehouse, starving and weak. His mother may have been killed by a car or a coyote, we will never know what happened to her. His siblings did not make it, he was the only survior out of 8 kittens.

He was an indoor kitty, never really liked the outdoors, but every now and then he would sit on the front porch or the back deck and watch the world go by, or spy on the birdies. He never hunted them. Being an indoor cat he never got sick, never needed vet care. Now you say what? Well, I am a firm believer that we over vaccinate and over medicate our pets. Cats are well known for getting Cancer from vaccinations and seeing as he never went anywhere, it was not needed. The last time he saw a vet was when he was neutered. This cat was healthy as a race horse up until the past 5 days.

My experience with cats is vast. I have had many over the past 46 years. Some died in their sleep, others got very ill with cancer and 5, count them 5, had kidney failure. Which is by the way the number one issue in older GEREATRIC cats. It is well documented that when a cat goes, they go fast when in renal failure. I have witnessed this 5 times and the symptoms are exactly, I say EXACTLY the same.

Now I knew that a year ago he developed a form of cancer. It was obvious. I once again am very familiar with this cancer and have seen it many times. He was then 20 years old and had a good life, no pain and still pretty alert, eating, drinking and just being a cat. No issues other than the lump. Knowing this cancer was deadly and has never ever been treatable and in older cats such as mine, kinda stupid to even try. Putting them through the stress and fear, slicing and dicing, and very harmful medications, for what?

So 5 days ago he stopped eating his hard kibble food. I noticed he had lost a bit of weight. He was still drinking and eating his wet food, and being a cat. Then three days later he stopped eating all together but was still drinking, only now drinking a ton of water and only wanting it cold and fresh. The infection set in his eye 2 days ago, he was then toxic and I could smell the amonia on his breath. He was pacing and actually going outside into the garden and hiding. BIG SIGN It was time. Last night he stopped drinking. I called the vet this morning to bring him in.

I gave him a little sedative as I knew he hated the car and almost always got stressed and would vomit. I did not want him to have to go through that in his final moments.

So I get to the vet with him and he is really very weak and because of the sedative, he is the calmest he has been in 5 days.

The vet wants to do an examination. I am like WTF! Um NO! You can't tell by just looking at him that he is in renal failure? Why no she says, just because he has all the symptoms does not mean he is and that we can't help him.

GRRRRRRR.... WTF WTF WTF is all that is going through my head. She then proceeds to say that she is really saddened by seeing a cat in that state and that I should have been bringing him to the vet for regular visits. Implying that they could have saved him.........Are you kidding me, was going through my mind. I was so pissed I could have SPIT!

I lost it at that point. SHE was judging me at that very moment, when I was distraught with sadness, SHE was judging me when I was torn myself with this very hard decision to play the Grim Reaper, knowing I will be judged one day by MY ALMIGHTY for the many decisions regarding my many pets lives.

I then began to bawl and she says, I am sorry but this is very hard for me!!!!!

WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hard for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK I lost it big time!!!!

I then said. "You know what, FUCK YOU, I will take him home and he will die with me, in my arms, without JUDGEMENT. How dare you judge me at a time like this. How dare you JUDGE me at all." She once again trys to justify her judgement by implying that I should have been bringing this HOUSE cat, who never had ANY health issues, for regualr vet visits.

I then reply, "Why so you could slice and dice him when the lump came up? So you could play GOD and try and save a cat with a form of deadly cancer and renal failure? You know Jennifer, they don't live forever and YOU are not their GOD, nor do you have the right to judge me for my decisions. I will be judged when the time is right, not by you or any other person. I dread that day and can only hope my GOD will have mercey on me and see that my decisions where based on nothing more than PURE LOVE, unconditional LOVE. I hope you see that YOU too will be judged and when you are, you will be called on your judgement of others. How are you going to explain yourself?"

She stared at me with this blank stare. Almost as if she was devoid of reason or common sense. She lowered her head and apologised profusely. Cupping her hands and apologising over adn over.

I called her very unprofessional, as she was. That is not a judgement, it is a fact.

She asked me to allow her to continue with the task at hand, and that she will not judge me anymore. Too little too late. I still wanted to SPIT as I was so angry, upset, horrified and terribly sad all at the same time.

Then I looked down at my cat. His weak self, just lying there, all the while I was stroking him. He has never let me do that for more than a minute without hissing then biting me.

It was then that I realized I had to just let this thing with the vet go, for him, and allow him to pass on. I had to allow this judgemental bitch, to take the life of my cat under my direction. I had to,,, for him,,,, let it go.

To forgive is divine.

Rest in Peace my feisty old man Sox. May you meet with with your buddies, Randy, Kitty and Brody. I will see you on the other side.

That is all.


Added, his heart did not stop beating until I whispered in his ear.

"My Dear Soxs, it is time to go, I will see you on the other side, promise"

Sorry i could not write that until just now, and yes I am still bawling.